The World on My Mind and a Hand Near My Tush

By September 29, 2010Get to Know Me

I was told to try massage to flip Violet while she was completely breech in my tummy. As many of you know – I tried everything to get that baby to turn. So I bought a package and after just 2 relaxing and fabulous pre-natal massages my amniotic fluid was so low I was told to stop getting massages.  Then I had the baby and forgot and now it seems my package is expiring and I have 5 massages to get in 4 weeks!  Sounds lovely.  If only I didn’t totally suck at it.

Aromatherapy Anyone? Why yes, this sounds lovely.  I could not have any wonderful scents while pregnant because they can induce labor and no wants a baby coming out on the massage table so now I’m thinking sure!  Hit me with some peppermint.  That sounds all fresh and tingly. Perhaps my therapist should have told me that peppermint is indeed fresh and all tingly for the mind and body.  It turns out peppermint relives mental fatigue and improves alertness and concentration as well as energizing the body, improving alertness and encouraging communication.  Let’s just say I was more invigorated than relaxed. 

Fully Undress.  Am I the only one who doesn’t not take their undies off for a massage?  Are they supposed to want to rub your tushie because while I am sure there is stress to be found in every part of my body only my husband rubs my bum.  Even my O.B. who has touched every part of me, has not fiddled with my behind.   I didn’t ask the therapist I just left them on and she sort of tried to work around them but I found it very strange.  It also made me wonder what men do?  My husband gets massages for a terrible back and I can’t imagine him wearing boxers for the massage since one of his main problems is in his thighs but if he is naked I bet there are glimpses of boy parts and that just made me cringe…and cover a smile.

Did You Not Shave?   Okay, she did not say this but I did not shave and while she was massaging my legs I was thinking what kind of chick doesn’t shave before a massage?  I felt like some sort of cave woman because I did not even think of it until my prickly calves were all over the table and I wondered if I had arm pit stubble as well.  It’s been raining for days and I just did not think anyone would see!   It’s like not picking up for the cleaning lady.  Ugh.  I was embarrassed.

Let Your Mind Go.  Do Not Think.  I swear to you the moment she said this I started contemplating the universe.  I mean all of it.  I thought about my own family, the community, children in need, the war, my to do list…everything.  It’s like as soon as she said don’t think my mind went crazy.  My brain went a million miles an hour for the whole hour.  Oops.  And I lied.  She asked me twice if I was thinking of anything and I said “No” while trying to sound like I was sleepy or something.  I have never been able to do this – even while trying to meditate.  Yes, something is wrong with me.  Still, I think it’s nice to at least have someone rubbing me while I’m pondering the universe.

Relax.  Relax, Um…I said Relax.  I don’t know how many times she said this.  She even asked me, “Can you Relax?” to which I replied that I was trying.  I can barely straighten my arms from building furniture and carrying Violet everywhere.  I’m not sure they can relax.  I am sure that it totally hurt when she tried. Who can relax when something hurts?   It seemed to help but she was not impressed.  I’m one of those people that can’t even just let my arms fall.  She knew it and kept trying.  She would shake them and  thought I would giggle.  She tried so hard.  I do not think the peppermint helped her.  Half the time I wanted to jump off the table and start working on some of the things I was so busy thinking about.

Let’s Keep it Quiet.  Babe, you don’t know me.  Maybe I would have relaxed if we could talk a little.  You know while she was rubbing my whole body maybe I was nervous and wanted to get to know her a little.  I guess I’m a pride that way.  Who knows but I am definitely one who likes to talk and I felt like I couldn’t say anything.  My husband would love if I would stop talking all the time so maybe he should take some tips from her.

Allow Knots to be Kneaded out of Muscles.  No, I do not want deep tissue.  I asked for relaxation because I wanted to make it clear that this was supposed to be easy on both of us.  I am a big old baby and if you hurt me I want to cry and then I will be thinking again – and it will not be pretty.  I just want to relax!  That may be wrong but no pain for me lady.  My kids beat me up enough.

Drink Plenty of Water Throughout the Day.    Sure, I drank an entire glass in front of her.  Then I got in my car and sucked down my Diet Coke.  I had a little water in the afternoon and then another Diet Coke at dinner and now I am drinking a glass of wine.  I’ve got no beef with her on this one.  She’s right.  I should drink more water.  It just has no caffeine to keep me awake and no wine to help me relax.  Okay I will try this goal again.  8 glasses a day right?

So overall I liked it but my to-do list got longer and my muscles still hurt and I have 4 more to go.  I think I’m going to go back to my pre-natal lady who I love and get that gentle massage I love even though I’m not preggers and chat with her about babies and fun stuff because she is a doula and I love me some baby talk.  More relaxing than thinking about the world’s problems!  Maybe she can even do some of those hot stones now that I can lay on my belly.  That sounds just heavenly.

And I’m pretty sure they don’t put those hot rocks on your tush.

Join the discussion 21 Comments

  • Ooooh too funny! You know you are a mom when you consider it a problem to have to fit in 5 massages in four weeks. I am with you I can’t turn my brain off unless I am asleep and fortunately because I am always so sleep deprived I fall asleep as soon as my body hits the matress.
    I think I would keep my panties on too.
    Oh and absolutely go back to your pregnancy masseuse. She sounds lovely and relaxing!

  • Carol says:

    I think not being able to relax is a Mom thing, you are always on high alert. I think I relaxed for a day when Mo was like 12, then she got boobs and I tensed right back up! A massage does sound heavenly though, as well as the wine!
    Carol recently posted… Meet Clementine the next HoudiniMy Profile

  • Kelly says:

    I feel you on all this (not on the tush, of course). I am not a huge fan of massages (in general) and deep-tissue massages (in particular) are painful. I’d much rather just lay in a nice, clean room and have someone give me a light, gentle massage and maybe sleep some and then go home to a clean house. Lots of clean stuff in my fantasy.

    • Brittany says:

      Oh the clean house thing would be a great addition. You are one smart cookie. Massage while housebeing cleaned and then come home to a glass of wine…after I drink one of water of course!

  • I LOVE massages! I’m jealous that you have 4 more to use in a month. I’d get one once a week if I could afford it. Oh, and if there was someone to watch The Boy. I will only go to a female therapist though because I can’t stand the idea of another man touching me and seeing me mostly naked.

    • Brittany says:

      I am determined to enjoy the other 4. I know it’s crazy but I had this package because I was supposed to get them regularly for le bebe. I don;t know if I care man or woman. I wouldn;t think the mean would be as chatty though, and I need that!

  • vodka logic says:

    I have never had a massage but know I would like it.. the closest I have come is the massage chair at the gym..

    As for the thinking too much.. yeah I get that..

    try to enjoy the rest of them
    vodka logic recently posted… Just by chanceMy Profile

  • It’s been a while since I’ve had a massage, but the last one I had was a deep tissue massage, and it hurt so bad during and after, I wanted to cry. Of course I was too embarrassed to say anything so I weeped internally instead. I couldn’t move my arms for days. Super fun. However, I think it might be time to try again.
    Maria recently posted… I Blame The ChildrenMy Profile

  • Judy Balloff says:

    Like mother, like daughter. I do not like deep massage. I think the music is sort of creepy. Maybe a gentle massage with music I get to pick out and better decor in those rooms!!! I would go back to the pregnancy massage person. And girls….you will still be always thinking when your kids are all grown up….they have your grandkids to worry about!
    I checked out the Baby Keyes site. I love how the Oprah Boas look on everyone else…I always look ridiculous in them. So I choose the cute cotton dresses as my favorite!

  • Katy says:

    HA! Did you know I was a massage therapist?! I can say that these are concerns for many of my clients. (and me too) A lot of people have a hard time relaxing during their massage. It doesn’t bother most therapists if you don’t shave. Most clients don’t fully undress so you aren’t alone.

    Personally I would never try to tell you to “relax” or “don’t think about anything” …..that’s pretty unrealistic. I always let my client guide me as to wether they want to talk or not…I like to chat especially if it helps my guest relax. It almost always fails to tell someone to relax.

    If you are more comfortable with your prenatal therapist, go to her instead. I believe that ifyou have a good relationship with a therapist you will be more relaxed and more open to discuss any muscular issues you’re having anyway. This will help her make your massage even more tailored to you!

    Enjoy your massages!!!

  • I have the opposite problem–my massage lady is Chatterbox City. I just want to say, “Shut up, already!” The first few times I got a massage, I wore my undies, too. 🙂

  • Jennifer says:

    I’m good friends with a fabulous masseuse who gives me great massages on the cheap! He says that the way he was trained to drape the covering cloth works best with underwear, so don’t feel embarrased about leaving your panties on. He tells his clients to “undress to your comfort”. I also like to chit chat a little bit and have had some memorable conversations and connections with massage therapists. I used to travel a ton and I’ve had massages all over the world. I do like some deep tissue, but if you aren’t a glutton for punishment, don’t ever ask for a Thai massage. Hurts like heck while you’re getting it, but oh! you feel so good afterwards!
    Jennifer recently posted… Meet LaserMy Profile

  • The real LA love story says:

    about the hairy legs bit: the last time i got waxed “down there”, i didn’t have my legs shaved. my waxer touched my legs and probably thought i was crazy for waxing but not doing something simple and standard like having shaved legs! hey, a girl can’t be perfect.

  • Mama Fuss says:

    Most of my massages have been related to chiropractory – but the few ones I’ve had simply for pleasure they always say “get as undressed as you are comfortable with” so I don’t know why your massuse was giving you a hard time about the undies. I ALWAYS wear my undies on the table.

    I have forgotten to shave before massages before, too. I feel bad, but they’re used to it. It’s about YOU – not them.

  • Tess says:

    I’ve never received a massage other then from the hubby. I’ll be sure to shave first before going. lol

    • Brittany says:

      Crap. I’m supposed to shave for my husband? Folow my tweets and you will know that I oftentimes totally forget the pre-marriage marketing plan including makeup, shaving and many other niceties 😉

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