I was told to try massage to flip Violet while she was completely breech in my tummy. As many of you know – I tried everything to get that baby to turn. So I bought a package and after just 2 relaxing and fabulous pre-natal massages my amniotic fluid was so low I was told to stop getting massages. Then I had the baby and forgot and now it seems my package is expiring and I have 5 massages to get in 4 weeks! Sounds lovely. If only I didn’t totally suck at it.
Aromatherapy Anyone? Why yes, this sounds lovely. I could not have any wonderful scents while pregnant because they can induce labor and no wants a baby coming out on the massage table so now I’m thinking sure! Hit me with some peppermint. That sounds all fresh and tingly. Perhaps my therapist should have told me that peppermint is indeed fresh and all tingly for the mind and body. It turns out peppermint relives mental fatigue and improves alertness and concentration as well as energizing the body, improving alertness and encouraging communication. Let’s just say I was more invigorated than relaxed.
Fully Undress. Am I the only one who doesn’t not take their undies off for a massage? Are they supposed to want to rub your tushie because while I am sure there is stress to be found in every part of my body only my husband rubs my bum. Even my O.B. who has touched every part of me, has not fiddled with my behind. I didn’t ask the therapist I just left them on and she sort of tried to work around them but I found it very strange. It also made me wonder what men do? My husband gets massages for a terrible back and I can’t imagine him wearing boxers for the massage since one of his main problems is in his thighs but if he is naked I bet there are glimpses of boy parts and that just made me cringe…and cover a smile.
Did You Not Shave? Okay, she did not say this but I did not shave and while she was massaging my legs I was thinking what kind of chick doesn’t shave before a massage? I felt like some sort of cave woman because I did not even think of it until my prickly calves were all over the table and I wondered if I had arm pit stubble as well. It’s been raining for days and I just did not think anyone would see! It’s like not picking up for the cleaning lady. Ugh. I was embarrassed.
Let Your Mind Go. Do Not Think. I swear to you the moment she said this I started contemplating the universe. I mean all of it. I thought about my own family, the community, children in need, the war, my to do list…everything. It’s like as soon as she said don’t think my mind went crazy. My brain went a million miles an hour for the whole hour. Oops. And I lied. She asked me twice if I was thinking of anything and I said “No” while trying to sound like I was sleepy or something. I have never been able to do this – even while trying to meditate. Yes, something is wrong with me. Still, I think it’s nice to at least have someone rubbing me while I’m pondering the universe.
Relax. Relax, Um…I said Relax. I don’t know how many times she said this. She even asked me, “Can you Relax?” to which I replied that I was trying. I can barely straighten my arms from building furniture and carrying Violet everywhere. I’m not sure they can relax. I am sure that it totally hurt when she tried. Who can relax when something hurts? It seemed to help but she was not impressed. I’m one of those people that can’t even just let my arms fall. She knew it and kept trying. She would shake them and thought I would giggle. She tried so hard. I do not think the peppermint helped her. Half the time I wanted to jump off the table and start working on some of the things I was so busy thinking about.
Let’s Keep it Quiet. Babe, you don’t know me. Maybe I would have relaxed if we could talk a little. You know while she was rubbing my whole body maybe I was nervous and wanted to get to know her a little. I guess I’m a pride that way. Who knows but I am definitely one who likes to talk and I felt like I couldn’t say anything. My husband would love if I would stop talking all the time so maybe he should take some tips from her.
Allow Knots to be Kneaded out of Muscles. No, I do not want deep tissue. I asked for relaxation because I wanted to make it clear that this was supposed to be easy on both of us. I am a big old baby and if you hurt me I want to cry and then I will be thinking again – and it will not be pretty. I just want to relax! That may be wrong but no pain for me lady. My kids beat me up enough.
Drink Plenty of Water Throughout the Day. Sure, I drank an entire glass in front of her. Then I got in my car and sucked down my Diet Coke. I had a little water in the afternoon and then another Diet Coke at dinner and now I am drinking a glass of wine. I’ve got no beef with her on this one. She’s right. I should drink more water. It just has no caffeine to keep me awake and no wine to help me relax. Okay I will try this goal again. 8 glasses a day right?
So overall I liked it but my to-do list got longer and my muscles still hurt and I have 4 more to go. I think I’m going to go back to my pre-natal lady who I love and get that gentle massage I love even though I’m not preggers and chat with her about babies and fun stuff because she is a doula and I love me some baby talk. More relaxing than thinking about the world’s problems! Maybe she can even do some of those hot stones now that I can lay on my belly. That sounds just heavenly.
And I’m pretty sure they don’t put those hot rocks on your tush.