The Need for Constant Change

By April 25, 2012Get to Know Me, My Life

When I reflect on myself, I see a woman who resists change, who holds dearly to the things I love, who is comfortable with the way things are.  A woman who loves being young and having young children.  A woman who is hesitant, maybe even afraid, to let go of the present and advance into uncharted waters. I like being comfortable.  I like knowing how my days will start and end.  I like my life.  I tell myself these things all the time.  I probably even describe myself this way to friends.

Somehow, this is all real, but I look at myself again and I know I am lying.

I look at how I actually spend my days and I am a woman who craves change, who wants to change the way things are and who dreams of adventure and days filled with unknown and unplanned activities. I know I want to do more with my life than I am doing now and I spend hours upon hours trying to figure out how I will break out of my ordinary.

The little things tell me I crave constant change

I am a constant re-arranger of furniture.

I don’t leave anything the way it is.  My house, my blog, my planners, my schedule, my refrigerator…I am always tinkering.

When my husband mentions a possible job opportunity outside of Charlotte, my heart leaps.  A whole new place sounds more than exciting.  I jump on the computer and start house hunting.

I don’t leave anything alone.  Whether it is arranging a counter for the hundredth time or putting my books in a different order or totally re-organizing all of our stuff, I can’t leave well enough alone.

I am planning a trip around the world for the year Sophia is in 8th grade.  She starts Kindergarten next year.  It feeds my soul to imagine all the things we will do.  Making these plans takes me out of this life, if just for a few hours at a time.

When I see something I like, I make it or build it.  It gets added to my list immediately and I begin planning.  I never wait.

There is more, so much more, but I think you get the point.

Why am I not satisfied?  With all my blessings, I should be.

A million miles an hour

My husband says I get ahead of myself.  Here I am, thinking I am all satisfied and he knows I am not.  How could someone with a constant unachievable action plan feel settled?  I can’t tell you how many times he looks at my face and quietly says, you have that look.  Stop thinking.  Just enjoy life.  My brain works a million miles an hour and I can’t stop it.  I have a  great idea and I get excited, unable to sleep.  I lay in my bed planning all these changes I imagine.  I wake up with ideas and write them down.  The list is overwhelmingly long at this point.  I need less brain or more time or both.  Because, at this point, I am tired.  My brain creates projects.  My life is now one project after another and many at the same time.  I adore projects.  They are a part of my soul.  But no one can work, raise 3 kids, build a corner unit for a bedroom, plant a garden, get the bills paid, do laundry, clean house and throw a birthday party for more than 25 kids in one week.

It is too much.  But I will do it.  This week, I will.

And then I will stop

I had so much more to say.  I had this all planned out.  I was going to talk about positive changes I have planned and I looked at my list. It was a million miles long.  I  realized I need to focus on what I can be satisfied with and where I should be spending all my energy.  I need to quiet my brain and take stock.  Of myself.  Of my marriage, of my family, of my desires.

Because I want to be happy.  And I keep myself so busy changing everything all the time that I don’t know what I want.  I need to figure that out.

Change is coming.  In one word.  Simplify.

And then I will start

I will do the hard work to unravel the mess of plans I have made and keep only what is important.  Only what makes me say Hell Yeah!  I will make time to be quiet and work on not thinking, but simply being.  Being alive, being me, being a wife, being a daughter, being a sister, being a friend, being an advocate and being a mother.

Change is hard.  My world spun while I wrote this post.  Change is coming, and it is good.



Join the discussion 8 Comments

  • Loukia says:

    Chsnge is something I just blogged about, too! And how scary it can be, even though sinetimes it’s a blessing in disguise, you know? I don’t crave change but I do like adventures… I don’t like change when I’m not the one controlling the change, either. I get scared, and an always questioning the ‘what if’s”…
    Loukia recently posted… LoveMy Profile

    • Brittany says:

      Loukia I started writing about the million things I want to do or change and I realized that I unintentionally saddled myself with the impossible. I still want to change many things and to do so many things but the biggest change here is that I need to make changes in my life. This was hard to write and will be harder to do!

  • I can see your mind spinning, just reading this post!

    I feel this way sometimes – the need for change, for something different and exciting, for something to be new. And then I know that I have a lot of good going for me, but is it enough? Is it going to keep me happy forever?
    Alison recently posted… This Is About Blogging . . . Sort OfMy Profile

  • Amy says:

    I can completely connect with what you are saying. For me, having little kiddos means spinning, spinning, spinning in a million different directions. It’s sometimes easier to keep spinning than to sit down, take a deep breath and BE. Be present, be happy with the way things are in this moment, be free of those “next I need to do this…” thoughts. Easier said than done, no? I’m right there with you.
    Amy recently posted… Sunshine girlMy Profile

  • I love how reflective you are.

    (I’m betwixt and between loving change and sameness. I’m okay with that. I think.)
    Galit Breen recently posted… The 17 Day Diet Cycle 3My Profile

  • Sarah says:

    I think the very best thing that any of us can do is recognize the gifts we’ve been given and then accept that’s who we are. We might not fit into the Magazine model of a 2012 woman. But we are who we are and we should be proud of that, or at least be able to sit with it in peace.

    Sure, this all sounds idealistic, I know. But I really have come to realize that the woman I think I want to become is not likely to happen, so I need to stop trying. Some changes are positive, and attempt at others is futile. Why do I say all of this, Brittany? Mostly because I admire your ability to get so much done, to take on so many projects. And you say yourself that there is joy in that. Change is inevitable, we are doing it all the time, but to focus on changing what is obviously an integral part of who you are? Well, I think you should embrace the amazing abilities you have.

    Just my two cents. (And know that if I weren’t to have said these words I would have said something along the lines of, “Me, too!” So yeah, all a work in progress!)

  • Change is something effervescent in any mother’s life.

    Children are constantly changing, as we are also. Sit down and hold on tight, mother’s of multiples, if your bored now, the constant change in their hormones when they are all teens is going to be all the change we can take!! YIKES!!
    Karen recently posted… These Three Chords Artist Interviews.My Profile

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