The Case of the Missing Condom

By February 7, 2011Marriage, My Life

Last night in our hotel room I put my hand in a grocery bag for a snack and pulled out a pack of condoms with one missing. 

We do not use condoms.

My husband had left minutes earlier for a work meeting. 

I trust Ross completely but standing by the door with an open pack of Trojan’s in my hand I wondered…is this how women find out?  Is there an immediate feeling of knowledge?   Do husband’s leave their wives and children in a hotel room and go find some action on the side?  Are there women who wouldn’t say anything, afraid to rock the marriage boat?  Just thinking about these questions made me sick.  I know women who have had that fear be real.  I know women who married cheaters.  I hate cheaters. 

I spent time pondering these questions and then I snapped back to my own reality.  Whose condoms was I holding? Where is the missing condom?  How the hell did it get in my grocery bag?  Was I being naive to trust my husband without hesitation?

The facts:

We are in Orlando because my husband has a conference.  When we found out the conference was here we jumped on the Disney opportunity.  The free hotel called us to the mouse.   Happy family vacation.

Ross travels a lot and never before have we accompanied him. 

Ross has a bunch of meetings and shmoozing to do so my in-laws came down to help.  You know, three kids in a park and one gets lost…I needed help.

My in-laws brought some groceries in for us since they have a car.  I did not see if anyone touched the grocery bag  after they dropped it off.

Having  3 kids so close together does affect the sex life.  We have a lot of little people to juggle at all hours of the night.  I’m just saying, sometimes it is hard to be alone.  And we don’t do it in front of the kids you know?

My in-laws think they are funny, but they would never think to buy condoms as a joke.

There is no way my in-laws still need condoms.

Basically we are so in love but overly busy and underly sexed and we don’t get to see each other a lot of the time.

So the minute he came in I asked him.  He thought I was kidding.  I told him to look in the bag.  He asked why his parents brought condoms.  I decided to just tell him I wondered a lot more than that and see what happened.  It was all very much less dramatic than I imagined as he laughed hysterically.  I laughed too.  After a little talk we went to bed.  I am so glad I can trust my husband.

The case of the missing condom (and the two that remained) was still open.

Today Ross went to his conference and I went to Animal Kingdom with the kids and the in-laws.

After a very long day I was sitting at dinner with my father in law and my kids and I thought about the missing condom again.  So, exhausted and no longer thinking straight I said…

“Jo, did you put a partially used package of condoms in our grocery bag?”

He laughed and asked if I liked them.  Yes, my father-in-law found it funny to plant the condoms in our grocery bag.  Yes, I talked to my father-in-law about condoms for the first time (and may it be the last).  We laughed and I asked where he got the condoms.

He told me he found them in the hotel room drawer and thought it would be funny to give them to us.  Yuck.

All that deep thought and the mystery was all some horny couple at Disney who found themselves too tired at the end of the day to use the whole pack.  Now that I can totally relate to.  I’m impressed they used one at all.

Join the discussion 20 Comments

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge