Sharing Grief: 5 Months After Losing our Baby

I have a confession.  I have not been sharing as much of myself lately.  It is not because I have a fear of sharing on le internet.  Truly, over the years I have babbled on about everything including my girly parts and tweeted through delivering my third child and I love to tell you almost everything.  I don’t regret it. However, these past few months I have been a mess.  Inside and outside I go through my days falling apart and I did not ever divulge these feelings.  At the same time, I shared less of my amazing children and my hilarious life because this damn demon on my back makes it so damn hard.

Hard to be a wife. Hard to be a mother. Hard to be a friend. Hard to be a writer. Hard to be me.

You see, I was going all gangbusters and ready to share with you the news of our 4th baby when I found out that our beautiful child would never make it to us.  Everything stopped for me.  Instead of bursting with joy I was overcome with grief.  The day I started writing about our new addition was the day I found out that I would instead be saying goodbye.

I want to connect again.  I want to share our moments and yours.  First, I need to let go of this anger and hurt and work from a place where my heart is again open. I was not going to post the following, but I think it might help me to share my darkest moments so that I can again relish the many joys I have.

Here is my heart. I will re-build myself.

I have been in and out of everything lately.  My life, my friendships, my blog, my marriage and yes, my mothering.  Lately isn’t even the right word.  We lost our baby to a fetal teratoma months ago.  That’s a tumor.  This tumor is called an epignathus.  A tumor growing out of my baby’s precious mouth.  Since then I have been shitty at everything.  I am left feeling heartbroken about losing that child and then guilty because my parenting and wife-ing has been so far below par for the last 5 months.

I look at women who have lost children and I am amazed at how together they seem.  I can’t even imagine that grief.

I remember my past miscarriages and wonder how I got over those.  I think I only barely started to move on when we had another baby.  This time I am not sure another baby will come.

I keep talking to people and reading posts from people who are pregnant, planning to have another or done.  They seem to know where they stand.  And then I barely keep myself from crying over my response as I approach our due date in February and know that I do not want to be done.  That I wanted that child.  That I might always want another baby.

See, I can’t find the bandaid.  I don’t know what will stop this pain.

Losing that baby took any semblance of thick skin from me and crushed it.  Now, I am fragile when I want to be strong.  I am sensitive and my heart bruises easily. I cry a lot and worse than that, I have been raising my voice, yelling, because all of my anger can’t stay inside.  I feel ashamed.

I have not written very much because I did not want to burden anyone with my grief and be that totally depressing woman who can’t stop crying about that baby when she already has 3 beautiful children.  Well, that’s me.  Totally beaten by the end of most days, and some days from the moment my eyes open.  I can’t let go.  I can’t move on.  I am not okay with it.  I am angry and hurt and confused and I am terrified.  Because it is not really getting better.

And I have not been talking about it. Now I am letting it out and hoping that I will begin to see myself again soon.

I want to be better and I want anyone out there who has felt this way to know that you are not alone.  That is why I am writing this down.  Because this loss is real and because it does not just go away.  It helps to share, and I am taking that first step.

I know that it has to get better.  It just has to.

My husband loves me.  My kids love me.  My friends love me.

I love me.

I know I will be okay.  It will take time.  More than I ever thought, I suppose, but I will be okay.  I will re-build my emotional life.  I know I am a good friend, a good wife and a good mother.  I need to ask everyone for patience and understanding and just do my very best.

Because my best is enough.  I am enough.

If you have experienced the loss of a baby, know that you can share your experience and that you are not at all alone.  Please visit Unspoken Grief, a community for healing after the pain of a miscarriage, stillbirth or neo-natal loss.

Join the discussion 32 Comments

    • Brittany says:

      Thanks Nic. I wish I could get one of your awesome hugs. I hope you are feeling good. I can’t wait for your big day. I know it might sound like I am not happy for other people but really I am. It is just so hard.

      • oh sweet friend, how i wish i could’ve hugged you on your way out of florida. i am feeling fine, but this is not about me. 🙂 please focus on you. take care of you. being this honest with oneself is not an easy task, and i commend you so damn much for putting your voice out there right now. grief is nasty. but i know you will come out on the other side. i’m so proud of you for allowing yourself to feel. you’re in my thoughts.
        nic recently posted… tutu lady helps our klug crewMy Profile

  • Stephanie says:

    I wish I could take you out for a drink. Coffee. Whatever an just let you talk and cry. Let us be the band aid. Let your friends both IRL and through the Internet help. We adore you and we mourn your loss as well.
    Stephanie recently posted… why aren’t donuts a recognized food group?My Profile

  • Carol says:

    Oh Brittany, my heart breaks for you. My daughter also lost a baby that was due in February and she is just getting through the days as the date gets nearer. Even when you have experienced the same loss there are no words, grief is grief and nothing makes it better until it gets better. I know doesn’t make much sense but that’s really all you can do, wait for your heart to work through this.

    • Brittany says:

      I am so sorry for your daughter’s loss. It is so hard to lose a baby and not know how to proceed. Thank you for your kind words and please send my love to your daughter.

  • That feeling you described….oh wow, I get that, I had two miscarriages and they slammed into me, I felt like I spiraled for a long time.
    Take the days as they come, you are stronger than you realize.
    Heather (One Take On Life) recently posted… Christmas take 2My Profile

  • Brittany,

    Oh my God. I am so incredibly sorry and will be sending all the white light I can your way. You are so brave, my friend.
    TheKitchenWitch recently posted… PunchedMy Profile

  • angela says:

    Sending hugs and all of the positive vibes I can to you. Sharing your story and your pain isn’t a burden to the people who come here. We want to help in any way we can.

  • Cynthia says:

    You are very brave in sharing your story with us. But know that with you sharing it, it lets others know that they are not alone and neither are you. I am sorry for your loss. If you ever need to talk, I’m here (even if we don’t know each other well). I’d like to think of myself as a friend that is always willing to listen or just a shoulder to lean on. (Twitter name:1smileygirl)

  • Candice says:

    Sending many cyber hugs and positive vibes. I had no idea you were struggling so much and I’m so sorry that you are. But I thank you for sharing this. I know it’ll help someone you probably don’t even know. Please let me know if there’s any way I can help.

  • LisaLisa says:

    There are no words to express my condolences. Just know in God’s timing you will be ready to return to the things you love, being a mom, wife, blogger , friend etc. The loss of a child is very overwhelming and can cause much grief to your heart and mind. I stand by you with support and prayers for only God knows when your healing will start. Don’t rush anything, take your time and reflect and remember every moment for life is precious to us all. I’m so proud of you for sharing your story for you never know who you may touch and it will also help you with the healing process….sharing your feelings and thoughts is good for you. As a retired Hospice nurse I’ve seen many mom’s like you and i say to you and to them…….”Take Your Time” you need time for yourself . Cry, scream, shout, sit quietly but most of all take care of yourself. Sending you prayers and virtual hugs!
    LisaLisa recently posted… Sony Vaio S Series Laptop (VPCSE13FX/B) & Sheet Battery Review & #Giveaway — MomStartMy Profile

  • Kimberly says:

    Thank you so much for this.
    Not many people know that I had a miscarriage when I was 21. At the time I was young and was able to delve back into my career very swiftly…and honestly, I never gave it a second thought until I felt my son in my arms.
    The weight of grief crashed on my shoulders.
    I think about him or her often now and what could have been.
    That pain is immense.
    I am praying so hard for you that you find solace and strength.
    Losing a child isn’t easy whether they were born or not. They were loved and that is all that matters.
    Again thank you so much for being so open about this. You’re not only helping yourself heal, but you’re helping others heal as well.
    Kimberly recently posted… Secret Mommy-hood Confession SaturdayMy Profile

  • I am so very sorry for your loss, Brittany. I can’t even imagine the depth of your grief. But know that you are loved and thought of and we are here for you. Even if I can’t go there and hug your face off, I am sending you plenty of virtual ones.

    You are very brave for sharing your story, your feelings, your grief. I hope that writing it down will help you a little towards healing.
    Alison recently posted… Tasty Thursday: Chocolate Sea Salt CookiesMy Profile

  • I just wanted you to know that I read your words today, and am sending my heart your way. xo
    Galit Breen recently posted… Sweetness and LightMy Profile

  • Melissa says:

    Yes, it sucks. It left me angry and unbalanced for a long time, well over a year. You take your time and you work through it how you need to. Remember to lean on your husband, your family whoever, whatever… I don’t have any other words because word, words are just what babyless mothers use to soak up the blood and tears, the healing of your broken heart will come, from within you, not from words from me, I know, I was there. Sending hugs, love and peace.
    Melissa recently posted… Savory Saturday: My Detox DietMy Profile

  • Megan says:

    Keeping you and your beautiful family in my thoughts, and sending calming vibes your way. Only you can know what will help you, but have you considered talking to a professional? I think it could really help to have someone you can talk to and vent your feelings to in a judgement free zone.
    Megan recently posted… What do Staci’s test results mean?My Profile

  • Mary says:

    I am SO SO sorry for your loss…there are no words.

    This was a beautiful post and I commend you for sharing your story…I am sure that there are so many others going through the same thing who will take comfort in your honesty and strength.

  • liz says:

    I know you feel like you are still extremely emotional and “all over the place”, but I think you writing your feelings here is an important step in the (long, slow) healing process.
    liz recently posted… By 7 a.m.My Profile

  • Sweaty says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. There are no adequate words.

    I just want you to know that yes, you ARE enough. That it is alright to grieve and that it takes time. Don’t rush yourself… everybody deals with grief differently.

    This grief, it doesn’t define you. It doesn’t make you a horrible or less-worthy of a person. I’m glad you have your husband and your three children, people who love and support you. Take whatever time you need to heal… Keeping you in my thoughts and prayer.
    Sweaty recently posted… There’s Always a Solution. Or Maybe Not.My Profile

  • Elena says:

    My words of thanks for you sharing will never express the emotion that I feel when I read them. So much love to you.
    Elena recently posted… From P90x to Triathlons to NowMy Profile

  • Yuliya says:

    I am so sorry for your loss and I think you are so brave for putting these words out there. I do wish you wouldn’t compare your grief, “I have not written very much because I did not want to burden anyone with my grief and be that totally depressing woman who can’t stop crying about that baby when she already has 3 beautiful children. ” You are allowed to feel how you feel regardless of how many children you already have. Much love to you.

  • Much Much love to you, Brittany.

    Adventures In Babywearing recently posted… BlueMy Profile

  • Sean says:

    I stumbled across this blog and was stopped in my tracks by this post. I lost my little girl one day before she was to be delivered. She was as healthy as can be one minute and gone the next. That was just over two years ago and I have never written a word about it anywhere. I am sorry for your loss and as a man, I don’t know the perspective from a women, but I can tell you that everyday is painful and it is something you try to contain, I don’t know if it will ever go away. Hang in there, and remember your husband too…..sometimes us men act like neanderthals and bottle it in but that doesn’t mean we don’t feel.

  • Paula says:

    Thank you for sharing this story. I went through a second trimester miscarriage after two easy – not problem pregnancies. It was so unexpected and so hard to get over.

    • Brittany says:

      Paula I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have to think that the later it happens the harder it is. I don’t think we are or should be expected to get over it. We just need to learn how to live again without that baby we so wanted in our lives. Hugs my friend.

  • I just wanted to let you know you are constantly on my heart. No matter how many children you have a loss is heartbreaking. I’m here if you need me and will send some extra love for you in Feb. xoxo
    Jennifer B. recently posted… Thank you Martin Luther King Jr.My Profile

  • Aunt Carol says:

    Being Great Aunt Carol to 2 years old Malorie and Micah Klug is one of the wonders of my life. I live in KCMO and the first thing I do every morning and the last thing I do every night is check the Klugcrew blog just in case they, with all their spare time, have been able to take the time to share the latest in their experiences with fighting the bully ependymoma that has pushed its way, uninvited and unwanted into beautiful and loved MalPal, which then demands its own routine for changing the lives of adorable and healthy twin brother/best friend, Micah, their parents and many, many loved ones round the world. Dad Billy said it best when he said “Brain Cancer Is A Bully”. Our Faith is that Malorie will be able to do anything her heart desires as her full in years and full in experiences life continues with twirls in her lovely tutu forever. You have touched the lives of people around the world with your capes, masks and tutus, and your servant heart has God saying, Wow! Here is a Mommy who sticks with us, even as the worst feeling in the world headed into their lives. You give and you love, and in His house are many mansions. I hope mine is next to yours. Whether or not you feel it every day, God is Blessings you in some way. With love and admiration from Kansas City. Aunt Carol

  • sending you lots of love. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your words.

  • Pamela says:

    I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I wish you peace and strength.
    Pamela recently posted… Intuition and Book Smarts: Mixing Up Parenting StrategiesMy Profile

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