When I reflect on myself, I see a woman who resists change, who holds dearly to the things I love, who is comfortable with the way things are. A woman who loves being young and having young children. A woman who is hesitant, maybe even afraid, to let go of the present and advance into uncharted waters. I like being comfortable. I like knowing how my days will start and end. I like my life. I tell myself these things all the time. I probably even describe myself this way to friends.
Somehow, this is all real, but I look at myself again and I know I am lying.
I look at how I actually spend my days and I am a woman who craves change, who wants to change the way things are and who dreams of adventure and days filled with unknown and unplanned activities. I know I want to do more with my life than I am doing now and I spend hours upon hours trying to figure out how I will break out of my ordinary.
The little things tell me I crave constant change
I am a constant re-arranger of furniture.
I don’t leave anything the way it is. My house, my blog, my planners, my schedule, my refrigerator…I am always tinkering.
When my husband mentions a possible job opportunity outside of Charlotte, my heart leaps. A whole new place sounds more than exciting. I jump on the computer and start house hunting.
I don’t leave anything alone. Whether it is arranging a counter for the hundredth time or putting my books in a different order or totally re-organizing all of our stuff, I can’t leave well enough alone.
I am planning a trip around the world for the year Sophia is in 8th grade. She starts Kindergarten next year. It feeds my soul to imagine all the things we will do. Making these plans takes me out of this life, if just for a few hours at a time.
When I see something I like, I make it or build it. It gets added to my list immediately and I begin planning. I never wait.
There is more, so much more, but I think you get the point.
Why am I not satisfied? With all my blessings, I should be.
A million miles an hour
My husband says I get ahead of myself. Here I am, thinking I am all satisfied and he knows I am not. How could someone with a constant unachievable action plan feel settled? I can’t tell you how many times he looks at my face and quietly says, you have that look. Stop thinking. Just enjoy life. My brain works a million miles an hour and I can’t stop it. I have a great idea and I get excited, unable to sleep. I lay in my bed planning all these changes I imagine. I wake up with ideas and write them down. The list is overwhelmingly long at this point. I need less brain or more time or both. Because, at this point, I am tired. My brain creates projects. My life is now one project after another and many at the same time. I adore projects. They are a part of my soul. But no one can work, raise 3 kids, build a corner unit for a bedroom, plant a garden, get the bills paid, do laundry, clean house and throw a birthday party for more than 25 kids in one week.
It is too much. But I will do it. This week, I will.
And then I will stop
I had so much more to say. I had this all planned out. I was going to talk about positive changes I have planned and I looked at my list. It was a million miles long. I realized I need to focus on what I can be satisfied with and where I should be spending all my energy. I need to quiet my brain and take stock. Of myself. Of my marriage, of my family, of my desires.
Because I want to be happy. And I keep myself so busy changing everything all the time that I don’t know what I want. I need to figure that out.
Change is coming. In one word. Simplify.
And then I will start
I will do the hard work to unravel the mess of plans I have made and keep only what is important. Only what makes me say Hell Yeah! I will make time to be quiet and work on not thinking, but simply being. Being alive, being me, being a wife, being a daughter, being a sister, being a friend, being an advocate and being a mother.
Change is hard. My world spun while I wrote this post. Change is coming, and it is good.