This Man Has My Whole Heart

I don’t know what I did to get so lucky.  We don’t really celebrate Valentine’s day, but every day I pause and reflect on how much I love him.  And how much he must love me. We are lucky, right?

Ross and the Kids

Please don’t think it is all sunshine around here.  I know he loves me so much and I love him so much because things have been so hard lately.  Some days feel impossible.  Many days I am not myself. Sometimes, I am merely a reflection of the grief in my heart and it is ugly.

Still, he is here, with me and for me.  This is why I married him.  This is why I am lucky.

He doesn’t fully understand my feelings, but he lets me have them.  He listens.  He lets me cry.

He reminds me that I am awesome. He encourages my growth.

He gently forces me to open my eyes and see the joy in my life without dismissing our real loss.

He spends time as the only parent, taking our three young children on walks or to a store so that I can have a break.  I was spending this time cleaning or doing laundry.  I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I love that he was angered by this.  He told me it wasn’t time for me to be the housekeeper, but for me to rediscover myself and to find peace.  Naps are encouraged.  Books are allowed.  Art projects applauded.  I can’t tell you why I needed him to “let” me off my motherhood gig, but he gave me the pass I needed.

He does not judge my lack of finesse in the kitchen.  That’s a nice way of saying I hate to cook.  He’s okay with grilled cheese many nights, because I rock at grilled cheese and it is my comfort food.  When I am feeling good, I try harder and I am not bad.  But I love that my foodie husband lets simple food be enough.  Because sometimes that is all I can get on the table.  Also, he cooks.  Enough said.

He can make me laugh, even when I am determined to be all kinds of pissed off.  A rare gift indeed.

He’s cool with just a cuddle.  My body is a mystery to me these days.  Grief is a burden that can leave me physically exhausted and wanting no more than the comfort of my partner in life and love.  He is giving me time.

He loves me in spite of me lately.

We are far from perfect, but we are in love.

He is my valentine every day of the year.  He has my whole heart, now and forever.

Comments

    • says

      Why don;t we nap? What is wrong with us? Is twitter that exciting ;) Love that your hubby is like mine. Again, I only wish you were not in Malaysia or I was so we could meet!

  1. Jenn says

    Ross is definitely one of the good ones. And cute to boot! So glad y’all have each other, during this difficult time and always. Love to you and the family!

    • says

      It is a gift. For us to be together some days seems like a miracle with how very out of it I have been. I think we both know that things can be hard and that they will get better. xo Elena. I love your kind words and support.

  2. says

    This is beautifully written, but more than that, it’s a brave piece of yourself that you’re sharing here. You’re clearly in a difficult place right now – Thank you for being willing to share that with us.

    I’m not contending with the same type of grief that you are, but other circumstances leading to confusion, a need to rediscover myself in all of this, and a feeling like I’m not quite rocking the mom gig? I’m there. Always here to chat, my friend, or just listen.

    I’m glad your husband is supporting you, and that you are able to see that even in the rough spots. Hugs to you.
    ChiMomWriter recently posted… Sometimes You Just Have To Pick Up Shit.My Profile

    • says

      Thank you so much Tracey. Our baby was supposed to be born this week and in sharing I find some small bit of comfort. It is hard to write about little things when I have this on my heart.

      I struggle too with feeling like I am not rocking the mom gig. Confusion, check. Need to rediscover, check. We are in this together and I will be here for you whatever you need.

  3. says

    Oh Brittany…this post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt piece with us. I’m so glad your husband can be there for you during this difficult time.

    My favorite part of this post is “we are far from perfect, but we are in love.” Such simple and true words~ so incredibly beautiful. Sending lots of hugs your way. xoxo
    Amy recently posted… Weekend road tripMy Profile

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