On My Due Date, I Grieve

posted in: Get to Know Me, Letting Go, Marriage, Motherhood, My Life 42 comments

Today is (or was) my due date.  I should be in the hospital delivering our 4th beautiful baby.  I am not.  We lost our baby to a fetal teratoma in August and for me, every day since has felt a little wrong.  This day and the baby we should have occupy my thoughts almost constantly. For those of you who have lost a baby or a loved one, you must know what I mean.  Life goes on, but sometimes for me, it stands still.  I stop moving.  I watch people living and feel that somehow I exist, but the confusion and grief are holding me back from real life.

I have had miscarriages before.  Actually, after each of my successful pregnancies, we lost a child.  We grieved.  But here’s the thing, we got pregnant again those times.  On the days my other angel babies were due, I had another in my belly.  While no child is a replacement for another, my mind and body were at peace.  I could tell myself that my angel babies were meant to be with God and that the baby I was carrying was meant to be with us.  This time I am not with child, and I may never be again.  I know that this, for me, is an emotional hurdle I am struggling to overcome.

***

I hate to use this word, but I can only write what my mind and heart and body scream to me.  For some reason, I desperately want a fourth child.  I readily admit that before I got married I had no idea how strong a woman’s body signals are and I thought I would be okay with less if that was really what my husband wanted or what was physically possible.  Turns out, we are all fine with fertility, my husband does not want a fourth right now and I am totally not okay with it.  Every month my body tells me it is time to make a baby.  Every month I try to ignore the signals my body sends and wish to God that my body was not betraying my marriage.  Why can’t I just feel done?

I went as far as to make pros and cons lists so that I could see on paper how much work a fourth would be, how expensive a fourth would be, how our travel plans would be further delayed, how my boobs would be further destroyed…you get the point.  I put down everything.  Kids are hard work.  There is no denying it.  When I went to write down the pros I paused because it was not specific benefits but rather an extra abundance of love that comes with each child.  Satisfy my body went on the list.  I am kicking my own ass emotionally right now and I need it to stop.  I included my silly love of symmetry because I love the idea of 4 kids, 2 and 2.  I know it is stupid.  There really aren’t a million reasons to HAVE a child, especially when you already have kids.  I just went ahead a drew a ton of hearts on my pros and cons.  With children comes love and for me, for whatever reason, I want another.

See, the cons don’t faze me.  But they do my husband. I get it.  I totally understand not wanting more kids.  I understand feeling satisfied and joyful about the gorgeous family we have.  I comprehend it but while I am gushing with love for my husband and my kids, and yet I still want another.  We are in a nowhere land.  There is no solution or compromise.  If there was a compromise he would totally get a puppy.  We are simply on opposite sides of something so personal where there is no right or wrong.  Nobody is really getting what they want and it sucks.  I do know if we had another he would love that child to bits and pieces.  He’s not that against another little one.

***

Without a healthy pregnancy, I don’t know how to make my body stop begging for a baby and my mind stop remembering the last days of my reproductive life being so traumatic.  I try to think about today and be okay with praying for my babies in heaven and thinking that each of my children has their own tiny angel.   I was up most of the night literally trying to force a peace to come inside me.  I failed and woke up wishing more than anything to be having our baby today or grieving the loss while anticipating the joy of another child.  I know how to handle that grief, I don’t know to to cope with this.

I don’t think we can force ourselves to not want kids or want kids.  Ross and I each wish more than anything we wanted what the other wanted.  If I could feel differently, I would.  I love him with all my heart. We love each other and we will make it, but it is hard to disagree on something like this.  I think it is hard for a man to really understand what a woman is feeling physically and emotionally when it comes to pregnancy, loss and babies.  They just have different parts than us.

***

If I don’t stop writing this could go on and on.  This grief is a circle and I am trying to break free from it.  My thoughts are spilling out of my heart and I know that I might not make much sense.  I don’t make sense to myself these days either.

Still, I wanted to say thank you for all of the amazing support that my readers and friends have been to me over the past months.  You all mean the world to me.

And for my little Navaa Oz, who I wish I was holding today, I love you and I always will.  I wish more than anything you could be with us.  Know that you have a piece of my heart in Heaven and some day I will be there with you.  Hugs and Kisses, Mommy.

Brittany
I'm Brittany. I believe that simple is best and that smiling can make or break a day. I love being a woman, a wife and a mother. I like to make pretty things and making things with big tools. I am a huge fan of good design. I love to travel. Hugs make me happy. I share my life, experiences, tips and tutorials in the hope that this community can find a whole lot of awesome together.
Brittany
Brittany

41 comments… add one

  • I wish I had the magic words to make the pain go away, but I don’t. Instead, I have this: a prayer for you and your family as you struggle with the loss of you little Navaa Oz.

    Sending hugs…
    Kristi {at} Live and Love Out Loud recently posted… I Lost 39 Pounds! $750 Giveaway From Map My Fitness Quaker ChallengeMy Profile

    Reply
    • February 27, 2012 Brittany

      I prayer for us an our little angel by name means the world to me! The name means beautiful and strong in Hebrew. I can only imagine how true that is now that my little angel is in heaven. Thank you!

      Reply
  • February 27, 2012 Jenn B.

    Love you girl!! I can’t speak for everyone but I know each year the date that I miscarried I get sad and think about what it would be like if I didn’t. I know God had His plans and everything happens for a reason, but my heart will always have a spot for that little baby. So hard to understand if you’ve never experienced it, and even among us some women deal with it completely different.

    I hope as time goes on you have more of a peace about it, and find a way to honor that little one and celebrate life. You are amazing at cherishing moments with your kiddos and having fun so I have faith it will come in time. Remember to give yourself time to grieve and I’m here for you whenever you’re having a tough day or want to just vent. xoxo

    Reply
    • February 27, 2012 Brittany

      Yes I need to get to the point where I can celebrate again and embrace life the way I love to do it. These days are always in our hearts, aren’t they? On these days every year I wake up and know that something is different and when I look at the calendar it comes to me. The days I lost babies, the days I was supposed to deliver babies. Then there are all these hugely special positive days too that are forever on the calendar of my heart and those fill so many more. My calendar and my heart are full of all the love and loss that is life.

      Thank you!

      Reply
  • February 27, 2012 Nichole

    Oh, Brittany. You have me in tears. I feel your pain…I know your pain so well.
    I wish I had the words to bring you peace, but I know there aren’t any, really.
    Just know that you’re in my thoughts and I am sending love.
    Nichole recently posted… Mommy, Are You Scared? My Listen to Your Mother ExperienceMy Profile

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    • February 27, 2012 Brittany

      Oh Nichole, I know you know and when I write these words I think about my struggles and those of women who struggle with both fertility and miscarriage and I know that there are so many of us who know the pain of wanting a baby and not having one. It is such a strange feeling, in some ways, ad impossible to explain why I want another. Like you, I want a big family, but I don;t have lists of why. Thank you for your words and for the love.

      Reply
  • February 27, 2012 Becca Bernstein

    Grief is a circle and you don’t get over things like this. You get through them. And one day, that circle turns into a triangle and you’ve reached the top where it doesn’t hurt as much. I know you’ll get there, it will just take time. My thoughts are with you.
    Becca Bernstein recently posted… Why Lay-Flat Pages RockMy Profile

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  • February 27, 2012 Susan @ Real Life Travels

    I’m so sorry for your pain and can’t imagine how you are feeling. My heart goes out to you. :(

    Reply
    • February 27, 2012 Brittany

      Thank you so much. These kind words of support help more than you know.

      Reply
      • February 28, 2012 NANCY SHEYS

        Sweetie, I’m 72 years old and still remember the dates of 3 miscarriages and one full term baby boy loss. Give yourself time. Allow yourself to grieve. It took me a long time to get past the tears. The tears and the sting of loss has past, but the wound/scar is still there. Losing children is the most brutal type of pain. Somehow it doesn’t seem right to love them so deeply and lose them. I do believe they are with God and I will meet them someday. Be patient. Be good to yourself. I pray for complete healing from this circle of emotion. It’s miserable.

        N
        I thank God for the 4 children I have! However, I never felt satisfied, I wanted more.

        Reply
  • February 27, 2012 Becca Bernstein

    Grief is a circle and you don’t get over things like this. You get through them. And one day, that circle turns into a triangle and you’ve reached the top where it doesn’t hurt as much. I know you’ll get there, it will just take time. My thoughts are with you.
    Becca Bernstein recently posted… Why Lay-Flat Pages RockMy Profile

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    • February 27, 2012 Brittany

      Becca I LOVE the idea of this circle turning into a triangle where I could actually reach the top instead of turning around and around. Thank you so much for your words. They have helped me more than I know. I am going to write about this circle to triangle thing. It may help others too!

      Reply
  • February 27, 2012 Wendi

    Although I cannot begin to understand your pain, I send you love and peace and strength. I do however understand the need for another. I don’t know if you can ever satistfy that without a pregnancy. Personally, motherhood is the ONLY thing I have been both good at and loved in all my life. I was literally built for it- with everything I am. I think you might be too. I hope very much for you that you get to have another.

    Reply
    • February 27, 2012 Brittany

      Wow. I do feel built for it. It is nice to hear someone say that they understand this need because no one in my life actually has said that. Thank you so much for your words.

      Reply
  • February 27, 2012 julie gardner

    I don’t have the right words for you.
    This I know.

    But I wanted to tell you I was here.
    And that more people than you can imagine are sending you love.
    julie gardner recently posted… Today call me namedMy Profile

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    • February 27, 2012 Brittany

      That means the world to me Julie, and really that means more than any words, you know? Knowing that people are here for me is amazing, especially because sometimes grief makes us feel so very alone. xo

      Reply
  • February 27, 2012 Melissa {momcomm}

    I know I don’t have the right words but want to say that I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Grief is such a strange and rolling process. I’m having a hard time about my father and you’re right, it’s a circle. My thoughts are definitely with you today. Hugs.
    Melissa {momcomm} recently posted… All the Details about Momcomm’s New Content Planning CourseMy Profile

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    • February 27, 2012 Brittany

      Mel I thought of you when I started writing. I don’t know what it is like to lose a parent but I do know that there must be times when it unexpectedly comes to you and the grief that is tucked away comes to the surface suddenly, takes your breath away and leaves you with only tears. It will take a long time to heal for both of us. Thank you so much for your words and your support and just know that I can’t repeat enough how lucky I am to have found friends like you. You can call me anytime to chat or if you just need a place to vent. Hugs my friend.

      Reply
  • February 27, 2012 IASoupMama

    Oh, honey… Many, many hugs. I don’t think men can truly understand how physical this need is for women. Men think about the idea of a child, but women feel that baby all through their bodies, feel how that little life changes every cell and bit of our souls.

    There is no way around this grief, only through it. Many, many, many hugs…
    IASoupMama recently posted… Moms: Super-Cool Guest Post Opportunity!My Profile

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    • February 27, 2012 Brittany

      Amen. He knows and admits that he can’t get it. So, at least he is not acting like he totally knows what I feel. I wish he did, because then I think he would totally let me win this one :)

      Reply
  • February 27, 2012 Loukia

    Oh sweetie. My heart is hurting bad for you. I am so sorry for all you’re going through. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Or to help your decision. It’s so, so hard. I am here if you want to talk, you know. Kisses and hugs… and remember how blessed you are Witt your beautiful children. xo

    Reply
    • February 27, 2012 Brittany

      Thanks Loukia. You don;t know how much it means to me to have made friends like you who are here in good times and bad. Sometimes it is easier to write here than to express in person how I feel. And I’m not sure everyone wants to hear me cry through a morning anyway. Strange but here I am safe and guess what, you do make me feel better! I know there is nothing anyone can do to make the situation with Ross any easier. It is like the worst thing to disagree about. I thought disagreements about money were tough – they are nothing compared to this!

      Reply
  • February 27, 2012 Scary Mommy

    Thinking of you, my friend. XOXO

    Reply
    • February 27, 2012 Brittany

      Thank you Jill. It’s funny I just finished your book and all I could think besides that it was so awesome was that you know, or think you know, you are done. When you wrote about how lovely it is that your kids stand in a circle and make a perfect triangle, I was so happy for you and yet for me wished for that circle to make a square. I hope I get up to see you soon. xo right back atcha!

      Reply
  • February 27, 2012 Natalie

    I know there’s nothing I can say to make you feel better, but just know I’m sending you virtual hugs. xoxox
    Natalie recently posted… Mommy Moment – Jessica StyleMy Profile

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    • February 27, 2012 Brittany

      Natalie, your support means so much to me and it does make me feel better. I know those virtual hugs are real. Thank you!

      Reply
  • February 27, 2012 Amy

    My heart is hurting for you today, friend. Your post was so honest and heartfelt that I felt like I was sitting right next to you, listening to you talk. Hoping that you find peace soon~ sending you hugs & love.
    Amy recently posted… Meet me in St. LouisMy Profile

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  • February 27, 2012 nic

    Hugs and healing to you, sweet friend.
    nic recently posted… shit and little shitsMy Profile

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  • February 27, 2012 Coffee with Julie

    I am so sorry for your loss, and for the struggle of your grief right now. I too wish you healing and peace.

    Reply
  • February 27, 2012 LisaLisa

    So sorry, sending many prayers your way.

    Reply
  • February 27, 2012 Carol

    I”m so sorry Sweetie. My daughter would have been due the 24th so we had a balloon release and spent the day saying good bye to her little one. I wish you peace.
    Carol recently posted… You might be a redneckMy Profile

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  • February 27, 2012 Life As Wife

    I hope that you and your husband both heal soon. It’s so hard to support one another when you both heal differently. I hope y’all are able to talk and eventually see each other’s side.

    Thinking of you!
    Life As Wife recently posted… My Son The ShoplifterMy Profile

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  • February 27, 2012 Sheila

    Brittany~Reading this post made me cry and hurt for you. I often think of you and remember you and your little one in my prayers. I can’t imagine going through something like this. Although I’ve never lost a baby, I have so much grief at the thought of never having another baby. I have my 3 sweet babies, but I want more. Each time I’ve given birth, like the second the baby is out, I’ve known I wanted another. Every memory of nausea or pain even the worry and fear, leaves me and a desire to have another fills in. My dh thinks much more practically than me, knows there is no way we can afford another one, remembers all too well the toll pregnancy takes on my body, and is against having another one. I knew my pregnancy with Bro would most likely be my last, and I cherished it, had maternity pictures taken, etc, but still now I hurt deep inside for another baby. I WANT to have another one. The thought of never being pregnant again, never nursing a small little wonder from God, these are things that I am grieving myself. I ask every mother I know, how do you get over wanting more. I love being a SAHM, love my sweet kids, and am amazed at how fast the years pass and how quickly they grow. Thanks for your honesty in all your posts

    Reply
  • February 27, 2012 Alison

    Brittany honey, I hope you can feel the warmth of my hug across the oceans. Because that is all I can give you right now. No words are enough to tell you how much my heart hurts for you. xo
    Alison recently posted… How Love WorksMy Profile

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  • February 28, 2012 thekitchenwitch

    Thinking of you, sweet friend.
    thekitchenwitch recently posted… Vacation: The Up, The Down and The UglyMy Profile

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  • February 28, 2012 Alice

    Just stopping by to say I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. I remember how hard the days were after our losses, how I felt like I would never be fully awake and functioning again. Support from friends helped – if nothing else, it made me realize that even though I felt alone, I was not. There were people in my corner, supporting me. Somehow, it made the process a little more tolerable. I don’t know if it works for you, but since I’m not sure what else to do… here I am.

    You and Navaa Oz are never far from my thoughts, and I will continue to keep you close in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply
  • February 28, 2012 Alissa

    Sending you peace!
    Alissa recently posted… Picture Pages (8/52)My Profile

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  • February 29, 2012 Galit Breen

    I have no words. Just know that my heart is with yours. Much love to you, friend. xo
    Galit Breen recently posted… EasyMy Profile

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  • February 29, 2012 Adventures In Babywearing

    Oh Brittany I’ve been thinking about you so much. Much love to you>

    Steph
    Adventures In Babywearing recently posted… Leaping LizardsMy Profile

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  • March 1, 2012 Jenn

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I am praying for peace, healing and harmony for you.
    Jenn recently posted… L.E.N.S. Photo-a-day challenge *MarchMy Profile

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  • March 2, 2012 Maria

    Hugs to you Brittany.
    Maria recently posted… March To Blogher – A Trip to the DieticianMy Profile

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