Today is (or was) my due date. I should be in the hospital delivering our 4th beautiful baby. I am not. We lost our baby to a fetal teratoma in August and for me, every day since has felt a little wrong. This day and the baby we should have occupy my thoughts almost constantly. For those of you who have lost a baby or a loved one, you must know what I mean. Life goes on, but sometimes for me, it stands still. I stop moving. I watch people living and feel that somehow I exist, but the confusion and grief are holding me back from real life.
I have had miscarriages before. Actually, after each of my successful pregnancies, we lost a child. We grieved. But here’s the thing, we got pregnant again those times. On the days my other angel babies were due, I had another in my belly. While no child is a replacement for another, my mind and body were at peace. I could tell myself that my angel babies were meant to be with God and that the baby I was carrying was meant to be with us. This time I am not with child, and I may never be again. I know that this, for me, is an emotional hurdle I am struggling to overcome.
I hate to use this word, but I can only write what my mind and heart and body scream to me. For some reason, I desperately want a fourth child. I readily admit that before I got married I had no idea how strong a woman’s body signals are and I thought I would be okay with less if that was really what my husband wanted or what was physically possible. Turns out, we are all fine with fertility, my husband does not want a fourth right now and I am totally not okay with it. Every month my body tells me it is time to make a baby. Every month I try to ignore the signals my body sends and wish to God that my body was not betraying my marriage. Why can’t I just feel done?
I went as far as to make pros and cons lists so that I could see on paper how much work a fourth would be, how expensive a fourth would be, how our travel plans would be further delayed, how my boobs would be further destroyed…you get the point. I put down everything. Kids are hard work. There is no denying it. When I went to write down the pros I paused because it was not specific benefits but rather an extra abundance of love that comes with each child. Satisfy my body went on the list. I am kicking my own ass emotionally right now and I need it to stop. I included my silly love of symmetry because I love the idea of 4 kids, 2 and 2. I know it is stupid. There really aren’t a million reasons to HAVE a child, especially when you already have kids. I just went ahead a drew a ton of hearts on my pros and cons. With children comes love and for me, for whatever reason, I want another.
See, the cons don’t faze me. But they do my husband. I get it. I totally understand not wanting more kids. I understand feeling satisfied and joyful about the gorgeous family we have. I comprehend it but while I am gushing with love for my husband and my kids, and yet I still want another. We are in a nowhere land. There is no solution or compromise. If there was a compromise he would totally get a puppy. We are simply on opposite sides of something so personal where there is no right or wrong. Nobody is really getting what they want and it sucks. I do know if we had another he would love that child to bits and pieces. He’s not that against another little one.
Without a healthy pregnancy, I don’t know how to make my body stop begging for a baby and my mind stop remembering the last days of my reproductive life being so traumatic. I try to think about today and be okay with praying for my babies in heaven and thinking that each of my children has their own tiny angel. I was up most of the night literally trying to force a peace to come inside me. I failed and woke up wishing more than anything to be having our baby today or grieving the loss while anticipating the joy of another child. I know how to handle that grief, I don’t know to to cope with this.
I don’t think we can force ourselves to not want kids or want kids. Ross and I each wish more than anything we wanted what the other wanted. If I could feel differently, I would. I love him with all my heart. We love each other and we will make it, but it is hard to disagree on something like this. I think it is hard for a man to really understand what a woman is feeling physically and emotionally when it comes to pregnancy, loss and babies. They just have different parts than us.
If I don’t stop writing this could go on and on. This grief is a circle and I am trying to break free from it. My thoughts are spilling out of my heart and I know that I might not make much sense. I don’t make sense to myself these days either.
Still, I wanted to say thank you for all of the amazing support that my readers and friends have been to me over the past months. You all mean the world to me.
And for my little Navaa Oz, who I wish I was holding today, I love you and I always will. I wish more than anything you could be with us. Know that you have a piece of my heart in Heaven and some day I will be there with you. Hugs and Kisses, Mommy.